I’m sure by now everyone has seen Tyler Perry’s Nobody’s Fool. If you haven’t...*SPOILER ALERT* in this movie Danika (Tika Sumpter) writes a list referencing characteristics that she believes her future spouse should possess because she is under the impression that her mother wrote a list before she met her father. Last year, my friends and I had a conversation regarding writing a “PH” list. The thought of this list occured before the movie as we had made several before. Haven’t we all created a list of what we want in a significant other? I know for sure this is a woman’s thing, but I was exactly sure if this was something that men also did. For those of you who haven’t caught on the “PH” list or Potential Husband list that my friends and I discussed would include qualities, characteristics, and just things that we would want our future mate to possess. At the top of the year I complete my list. Of course I won’t share it here, because it’s personal. Disclaimer- I am in no way, shape, form, or fashion ready to be in a relationship let alone someone’s potential wife, but I do believe that it doesn’t hurt to write these things down. First of all, I know what I want and by me writing it down and looking at it when I have some time, or when somebody’s son gets on my darn nerves I’ll be prepared to weed suckers out and
Fast Forward-- The creation of this PH list and my inquisitive mind led me on a dinner date with a married couple. I already knew creating a list was a common practice among women, hell we’ve been making list since junior high, lol. I wanted to know if this man had a list before he met his wife, and if so what was on it? What was on hers? The husband confirmed my thoughts… men don’t really create lists to the extent that women do, however, there are some things they are checking for. Their lists are more mental and relate to turn-ons/ turn-off and physical characteristics.A huge turn-off for this man is debt or a woman who isn’t fully aware of how to manage their funds. Another physical attribute that he thought he would never accept was a woman who wears weave. Well guess what its 2019, and as I interview him I am sitting across from his in a wig. This was confirmation for me that our minds shift. We aren’t really aware of what we will and won’t accept from someone we truly love. Charles (I’m giving the husband a name because I am tired of referring to him as the husband) did grow up in a family where the women wore weaves outside of cornrows. THis is why he was oppose to the idea of weaves.
I am not sharing every aspect of my list in this post,but I did let the husband of my friend look over my list. I asked him to tell me one thing that he thought was a bit much. The item on my list that he thought I needed reevaluate or re-word was
- He stops at nothing to see me smile.
His response to this was he hears it often and when he hears it, it makes him think that the man is continuously working to please the woman, he posed the question,” what will happen when he doesn’t do something that I like or fails to put a smile on my face?” I had to quickly clear this up… I am not looking forward to my PH being a circus monkey performing tricks for bananas. I am putting the idea that he is consistent in the atmosphere. Making me smile does not have to be a task, but it should be a concern of his and come quite naturally. Having a man that knows what to do and does so, and also knows that his efforts will not unnoticed or unreciprocated is important to me.
How to Write Your Potential Spouse list
Of course this is not the end all be all. You are going to want to include a plethora of characteristics on your own list. I’m just here to point out some basics to get you moving in the right direction.
- Think about the way you want to be treated
- Consider your deal breakers- your deal breakers are your absolute no’s
- Consider financial status- I know what you’re thinking… Gold Digger! Not quite, consider if something happened to you would your PH be able to carry the financial responsibilities. This may not be on your list, however being financially secure is important to me. Also, no matter how much you love someone entering a marriage with someone who rides your financial coattails just seems stressful. I digress
- Consider things that are an absolute must! What are your non-negotiables?!— Communication and growth are huge for me.
Lastly, its okay to deviate from your list a little. One person may not possess all the qualities and characteristics, that’s life!
You may be like me—not currently seeking or interested in being in a serious relationship/marriage. However, it is important for you to know what you want. When you know what you want it demonstrates that you are aware of your wants and needs.
Feel free to share your deal-breakers and non-negotiables.